6.17.2011
Let me tell you how awful Yossi Berg and Oded Graf’s work was
at 14:25 0 comments
Jagr-capping
TSN broke the story Thursday that Jaromir Jagr's agent had contacted 5 teams about playing again in the NHL next season. The teams: The Red Wings, Canadiens, Rangers, Crapitals, and Penguins.
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| One of the greatest scorers AND mullets. |
Never mind that Pittsburgh Post-Gazette columnist Dave Molinari dismissed the rumor with disgust (can't link to it because registration is required, though for some reason the site allowed me one viewing), not only belittling Jagr's ability on the cusp of his 40th birthday but also implying that any team with him on it would need chemotherapy or something. The real killer in his column, however, is that he had talked to the team's no-nonsense general manager Ray Shero, who's almost as responsible as Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Marc-Andre Fleury, and coach Dan Bylsma for the team's 2009 championship. Shero not only said that no one had contacted him but that he didn't want to be contacted.
Why not just come to my house and repeatedly hit me in the head with a shovel, Ray? Why not put billboards up nationwide telling children there's no Santa? Why not initiate a kitten-eating regimen as part of the team's offseason workouts?
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| 2010 Olympic Jagr. |
Jagr's messy divorce from the Penguins is hard to explain. He suffered from depression, I think. The team was losing all of its good players to free agency because it had overpaid Jagr and Mario Lemieux for what the Pittsburgh market could support. They sold out games and still teetered on the verge of bankruptcy. Sometimes Jagr dominated; sometimes he sulked. In the late 90s he was stuck with centers like Jan Hrdina and still won scoring titles. Do yourself a favor and watch this reel of some of his best goals. No one else could do that, then. No one now could do that (maybe Crosby, maybe). Although they don't have to anymore because you can't drape yourself all over a forward like a wet blanket or clamp an arm and a leg around them without rightfully getting called for interference.
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| Who blows kisses nowadays? We need this! |
Why the change in 2001? Was it gambling and investment losses that were rumored to exceed $10million? Was it having to share the spotlight with Lemieux, a man who would have to divert the city's sewers into the confluence of the Monongehela and Allegheny Rivers and destroy the city with an army of mutant robots for any Pittsburgher to even conceive of saying a negative word about him? No one really knows but Jagr himself.
Jagr is equal parts intellectual and emotional. He's a poet, really. He wears the number 68 to commemorate his grandfather's death in prison during the 1968 Prague Spring rebellion. He loves games of chance. Even his play shows an existential awareness, a sense of the fruitlessness of it all, which he summons unprecedented will to overcome on one shift before succumbing to despair over and vanishing during the next. His style of play is a metaphor for the human condition -- something that meat-head Americans and Canadians never could resolve with their "play 110% every second and win win win" mentality. My first book has 68 poems in it because of him.
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| Bask in the happy Jagr smile. |
He should be back in the NHL. I don't care about the salary cap. I don't care that he's been out of the NHL for 3 years. Any team chemistry crap, I can deal with it. He should be a Penguin again. His orbit has come back around to us.
Anyway, I figured I would handicap his comeback chances. My caveat is that I haven't looked at the salary cap stuff at all. Cap management is about as interesting to me as progressive dental work.
Detroit Red Wings: 25-1. No way coach Mike Babcock even thinks for a moment that Jagr could play in their rigorous system. When it comes to defensive responsibility, Jagr's inconsistent. He has defensemen on his team for that! This wouldn't fly in Detroit, where scintillating offensive talent like Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg sacrifices points for systemic, complete play. Thus winning championships, by the way. Jagr would never agree that preventing a goal is as good as scoring a goal. Not a good fit.
New York Rangers: 20:1. How long would it take for Jagr to be in coach John Tortorella's doghouse? Ten games? Ten minutes? The fans in Madison Square Garden already have Marian Gaborik to direct their scorn towards, reserving their love for grinders with enough talent to tickle the twine here and there like Brandon Dubinsky. Plus, they just dumped Jagr in 2008. Why would they ask him out again? No chance on Broadway either.
Washington Crapitals: 12:1. The Caps have suffered under huge expectations these last few years, something most hockey fans have enjoyed identically to how we all loved seeing LeBron James (I insist upon rhyming his first name with Hebron) lose with such ignominy in the recent bouncyball finals. Regular-season juggernauts; post-season chokers. Ovechkin tries to do too much on this frankly soft team. If they don't have room to glide and skate and pass, they shift into a kind of bafflement that's pretty sickening to watch. A lot like the Penguins being put down by the Devils in 2001. Jagr's not the tonic for that. The odds are only a little lower because owner Ted Leonsis is just insane+rich enough to maybe freak out and sign Jagr on an impulse. But then, again, the fans in the nation's capital (DC, not Ottawa) already expunged number 68 once before.
Pittsburgh Penguins: 12-1. I have to be honest with myself because I don't want to get hurt. He's not coming back to Pittsburgh. Shero and Bylsma don't make decisions with their hearts. Not even a little bit. It's torturous, though, to consider Jagr in the mix with Crosby, Malkin, and Staal. Oh my god! That power play would be freaky deaky good! And how could Jagr not skate with unbridled joy on Crosby or Malkin's wing? It would be like 1996 all over again! Okay, I have to go take my shot now and blow on a pinwheel all day in a supervised garden behind the sanitorium.
Montreal Canadiens: 8-1. Probably the only one of the five teams that would really consider Jagr, after his chemistry with Hab Tomas Plekanec at the spring Worlds. It's a city he hasn't already exhausted. He's always said he would love to play for a Canadian team (Edmonton has left the light on for years for him, by the way). The fan base and media could handle his star power. There's the sense that the Habs are one player away from being a contender. He wouldn't look weird in their jersey (don't ask me to explain that). Also I wouldn't have to die a little inside in order to root for him, like if he was in Detroit or NYC or DC. Jags, if Pittsburgh is not in the cards, then I endorse a move to Montreal.
He stays in Russia: 2:1. After all, we have a long history of Jagr saying empty words to reporters. He knows that retirement is on the horizon. The money is in the uncapped, mob-run KHL. The ice surface is bigger so the hitting is less intense. He doesn't have to go into the corners if he doesn't want to. His family and life are in Russia and the Czech Republic. In the Olympics and Worlds, he interacted with old friends who play in the NHL, so he got nostalgic. American and Canadian reporters got to stick microphones in his face and ask him if he was coming back, so he answered their questions with a kind, shrugging "Why not?" But he's not crossing the Atlantic again.
Still.
His jersey, right now, is in my bed.
I think I'll go turn on my back porch light.
at 06:35 3 comments
1.18.2011
the sky looks like a shattered lake
the sky is a shattered lake
the sky is not a shattered lake
the sky is like a shattered lake
the clouds look like frozen floes
the clouds are frozen floes
the clouds are not frozen floes
the clouds are like frozen floes
the texture of the cloud cover's undersurface
and the texture of an unevenly frozen lake
have visual similarities
the sky evokes an image of a shattered lake and a shattered lake evokes an image of the sky
at 12:50 1 comments
1.17.2011
morning twilight walk around park, saw two things
where ellerbee creek emerges from beneath lavender avenue, against the mottled pink and purple sky reflected in glassy water stilled against an ice floe farther down, a silhouetted heron standing in the middle of the creek, looking down into its darkness
on the other side of the creek, a man talking into a cellphone pressed tight against his head inside his 'carnegie mellon rugby' hoodie, saying "and so i ask her, what the fuck have you done for me lately," his leashed dog shitting on the sidewalk by the blue play equipment
at 07:55 0 comments
1.05.2011
Circles aren't circles
The sputum in the pharmacy parking lot, the yellowness of its initial landing gob connected to its as-yellow bounce by thin white strands
Sycamore bark doesn't reflect blue twilight the same way that dogwood petals do
Sycamore bark reflects blue twilight the same way that dogwood petals do
at 07:59 0 comments
12.21.2010
One witnesses an event, and later describes it to others
At maximum occlusion, the lunar eclipse looked like the gummed, vestigial eye of a cave fish
Interrogation presumes the suspect’s guilt
At maximum occlusion, the lunar eclipse looked like the unshiny, scrimmed eye of a red snapper stacked on crushed ice at market
Steve Reich was going for the middle ground between mathematics and literature
At maximum occlusion, the lunar eclipse looked like a magic marker circle, smudged as the hand that drew it moved across to draw something else
At maximum occlusion, the lunar eclipse looked like the stained paper towels beneath a colander of washed cherries
One needs not describe a quantity
Merce Cunningham said “The eye tries to recognize what it already knows”
A solar eclipse is spectacular; a lunar eclipse, technical
One’s mind does not by default seek relief from repetition
Reich’s music describes nothing; John Cage’s establishes a negative capability for description
3 is 3 regardless of what it counts
One is inclined to believe a quantitative statement over a qualitative one
A confession is the only possible ending of an interrogation
The original word for an irrational number meant “mute,” as such numbers could not at that time in history be expressed
Sound requires a medium but light does not
Barred owls open conversation with couplets of “who cooks for you?” but then carry on to chaotic monkey cackles and howls
The Voyager spacecraft exited the heliosheath into the heliopause
In some contexts, 3 might be nearly 4, and in another context essentially 0
Emily Dickinson wrote “Eclipses suns imply”
In rounding, one can be said to look past a number
Fish do not fall
at 12:06 1 comments
12.09.2010
just went to an artist's talk and kept dozing off
the heating oil cost $965
she expressed her frustration with that conceptual heisenbergian problem, that photographing the authentic thereby renders it inauthentic
i couldn't tell if she was sincere because she was very busy expressing her desire to be sincere or seem sincere. writing that, i feel a little mean toward her. but it's hard to not find all her work and words to be smoke obscuring either a lack of sincerity, a lack of content, or both
at some point, one has to take a photograph. everything's literal. there's no reason to be afraid of it
i am a little afraid now to run the heat. if i use the oil, then i will have used it, and will be that much closer to having to pay to replenish it
or. one could just look around
i think, though, that you can get neither grants nor degrees for that
there's that meanness again
it's 54degrees inside
work's not supposed to vanish, is it?
at 21:04 0 comments



